We all want to believe that love conquers all — but debt is still very real and can have a huge impact on our relationships. According to a recent Credit Karma survey, the majority of Gen Z and Millennials fight about money with their partners, and nearly a third have ended a relationship for financial reasons.
Plus, with credit card debt at a record high, it’s more important than ever to address debt head on instead of waiting until after you’re married to figure it out. To help you do exactly that, we’ve put together some expert tips for marrying someone with debt.
We’ve all heard the horror stories. Couples date for years and finally decide to apply for a mortgage on their dream home, only for one partner to learn the other had thousands of dollars in debt and a terrible credit score… when the loan is denied by the bank.
Hopefully your situation isn’t as severe as that, but you can easily run into trouble if you don’t plan ahead. Long before you walk down the aisle, you should walk through your finances. In fact, it’s a good idea to start talking about money before you even consider moving in together, since that’s often where the early stages of money troubles begin, says Ted Rossman, senior industry analyst at Bankrate.
No matter how scary it may feel, the consequences of not talking about money soon enough can be even more terrifying. “Conversations about debt are oftentimes delayed because of the fear that if my partner knew about my debt, the relationship would not continue,” says author and financial therapist Debra Kaplan. “And then they get into a cycle of ‘well, I waited this long and now I'm really ashamed and afraid. If I bring it up now, what are they going to say?’”
To make it feel less daunting, start small. Open up a window into your finances by sharing where your money is going today and set some shared money goals, even if that just means planning for a weekend trip. The key to a successful money conversation, according to Kaplan, is all in the framing: You’re working together to build a future, not battling each other’s past.
This is also where you should start getting a sense of how much — if at all — you want to combine your finances. There’s no right or wrong answer to who is responsible for what debt, but you do need to talk about it.
Pro tip: Don’t stop at one conversation! Keep talking at least once a month.
When it comes to tackling debt with a partner, the biggest hurdle is starting. You might be tempted to put it off until you’re more financially stable or learn more about personal finance, but Kaplan warns against this. “The conversation of ‘We don't know what to do so we'll do nothing’ is not an option,” she says. The interest will bury you long before you work up the nerve to address it, and the bigger that balance gets, the more overwhelmed you’ll feel.
Where to start? Disclose the kinds of debt each of you have, whether it’s from an auto loan, student loan, or credit card. Map out the balance, interest rates, and any existing repayment plans — and then look at it all together. You might decide that it makes sense to tackle your student loans separately, since those were decisions you made long before you got married. On the flip side, a credit card balance that you both had a hand in racking up might feel like something you should pay off together.
Regardless of what kind of debt you have, make sure you’re smart about repaying it. We recommend paying it off highest interest rate first, a strategy known as debt avalanche. So whether you’ve got a bucket of debt for each person or a combined pot, make sure you’re tackling it in the right order to make the most of your money.
Pro tip: Knowing what kind of debt you’re dealing with will help you devise a plan to manage it effectively.
Debt can be a huge source of stress and anxiety, and that stress can spill over into other parts of your life. According to Kaplan, we all come into our relationships with different money histories and traumas. Maybe you grew up in a super budget-conscious household, while your partner was taught never to talk about money. No matter which side of the spectrum you fall on, it’s a good practice to approach marrying someone with debt in a non-judgmental way.
“I make no assumptions because it may be an emotional piece,” Kaplan says. “Instead, what I ask couples to do is to be curious about what they're feeling.” Maybe the reason you’re so panicked about your partner’s debt is actually because you have financial trauma of your own.
You may also find that your beliefs about debt — especially credit card debt — come more from a place of instinctual fear than genuine concern. “There is definitely a stigma associated with credit card debt that I don't think we always see with other forms of debt,” Rossman says. “I mean, nobody likes student debt, but I think that can be viewed as more of a ‘responsible’ form of debt as you're furthering your education and hopefully increasing your earning power.”
Whatever form your partner’s debt takes, it’s your job when marrying someone with debt to set aside the snap judgements. As Kaplan likes to remind her clients: “Work on the issue, not each other.”
Pro Tip: Practice being non-judgmental, and remind yourself of the bigger goals you share.
No matter how money savvy you are, there may come a point where you just can’t do it on your own. Or, you may not know the right information to make a plan. If that’s the case, consider speaking to a financial professional. A financial therapist can help with emotional issues. A not-for-profit credit counselor can help you forge a paydown plan to reduce your debt — particularly high interest rate credit card debt — that can include lowering your interest rates.
Finally, if you’re worried about how your partner’s debt will affect you legally, consider asking a lawyer. The exact implications of marrying someone with debt can depend on state law, Rossman explains.
Pro Tip: A prenup may be a good idea, but at the very least, sit down with a financial pro to go through your options if you’re feeling confused.