Question:
I am struggling with financial infidelity in my relationship. My partner and I have both told “little white lies” about our spending over the years, but now I have serious questions about his money habits, and I’m worried he’s not being honest with me about major purchases. How can we get to a better place where we lay all our cards on the table and learn to trust each other again?
Answer:
At its worst, financial infidelity can feel like a betrayal on par with cheating. It undermines trust and can shake the foundation of a relationship. But while it’s a serious issue, it’s not an impossible one to overcome — if both partners are willing to do the work to rebuild trust and create a shared financial vision.
That starts with acknowledging the problem, without assigning blame. Start with an honest conversation, where, instead of being confrontational, you frame the discussion around your shared goals and a desire to strengthen your partnership. For instance, you might choose a calm and quiet moment together and say something like, “I’ve been feeling uneasy about our finances lately, and I’d love for us to sit down and go over everything together so we can both feel more secure.” The goal is to open the lines of communication, not to escalate conflict or jump to conclusions.
Get To The Root Of The Issue
Your goal should be to get to the root of the issue. Perhaps your partner is hiding money because they feel like they have no financial freedom. Or maybe they feel overwhelmed by debt, or have an unresolved childhood trauma around money that causes them to overspend. Learning your MoneyType is a great place to start exploring your money personality and understanding your motivations and hangups. Depending on the situation, you and your partner may want to explore these issues with the help of a professional, like a couples counselor or a financial therapist who can help you both feel heard and understood.
Once you’re able to engage in honest dialogue with one another, it’s time to make a plan for moving forward with honesty and transparency. Your new joint financial strategy could include:
- Shared Goals. Decide together what your priorities are — whether it’s saving for a home, paying off debt, or building an emergency fund, you’re in this together.
- Financial Boundaries. For instance, you might set a rule that both partners must agree on any purchase over $500.
- Transparency. Maybe you and your partner will review bank statements together monthly, or share logins for a joint account. There are also budgeting tools that allow both of you to track spending in real-time.
Take Baby Steps Toward Trust
Ultimately, how you handle your resources and accounts moving forward is up to you, but you may want to consider a “yours, mine, and ours” approach until you’re feeling more stability. This would mean that you have a joint account that you use for shared expenses, such as mortgage payments, utilities, and groceries, along with your own separate accounts, which give you autonomy for personal spending. This system allows for transparency while giving each of you some financial independence, reducing the temptation to hide money or purchases.
Yes, financial infidelity can damage a relationship, but it can also serve an opportunity to reexamine your relationship with one another — and with money. While you don’t have to forget what happened, you can choose to let go of resentment and focus on the future. By working together to create a financial plan you’re both happy with, you can transform a moment of crisis into a foundation for a stronger partnership.
